Jesus is the Hope of Glory

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

It's OKay To Be Me.

As the days literally are dwindling down, I find myself reflecting quite a bit. Reflecting on my years here in Richmond, life before Richmond, and what life will be like after Richmond.
Now, I know what your thinking... WHAT does this have to do with being a worshipper? Well- lets just see, may be nothing - LOL...
I realize some things about myself. It's okay to be me. It may not meet the approval of some. I may not be the right size, or have the right credentials, or enough of this- or enough of that. But I have exactly what I am supposed to have, why? Because my Father made me. 
It's okay to be me.... I love HARD, I try hard, I'm an optimist, I'm serious about ministry, but more serious about the heart of people who are hurting. I'm passionate about people being who they are created to be.
It's okay to be me... I'm sometimes... well... A LOT of the times... I'm silly... I love to laugh- I laugh at my own jokes when no one else does- I think I'm a riot! LOL

It's OKay To Be ME. I don't have to wonder, I don't have to ask, I don't have to compete with anyone for anything. I don't have to have wrong motives, I don't have to put anyone down in order to get myself up. I don't have too, because that's not who I am.
I can be sensitive, I can sometimes need closure, I can be confused at times. But it's okay, because its okay to be ME.
I can walk in integrity, and be okay with it. I can have all that God promises in His word, and be content if it never comes my way. I'm not one to desire fortune or fame- If God allows it - then fine. But I don't sing to get noticed. I don't blog to be famous. I don't do what I do to be recognized. I don't need a following.
It's okay to be me. Sometimes I can feel insecure because I'm stepping into new territory. That's okay. I can question God because He is dealing with a flawed person. I can live a life of pursuit and not striving. I can unapologetically sing with everything that I have and the glory of God manifest, and be okay with that- Thats who I am...
It's okay to be me. I love it when someone cries in my arms, and I can feel the Lord bringing healing to old wounds. I love it when I sing, and I can feel heaven smiling on me. I love it when someone can walk in freedom, even if it's just one thing that I sang, did- or even- decided NOT to do.
It's okay to be ME. You see, I'm saying all of this because I have dealt with many things that tried to tell me that being ME was the wrong thing to be. I have allowed others being intimidated by me (not because I tried to intimidate them) work its way into my heart, and cause my light to dim. I have allowed the lack of approval from those that were SUPPOSED to give it to me, crush my confidence.
**push pause-- I have been learning a lot reading my psychology books. Did you know that WITH HOLDING affirmation and validation in relationships when you hold the majority of the power is a form of control? Yeah, that's why they don't give it to you. Because then you will always do everything you can to please the person, and seek their approval even though you don't think that's your motive. See, God set it up, people are SUPPOSED to validate and affirm us. Young ladies with affirming fathers are more confident. Young men with validating parents are more precise. Why? Because they are always sure that SOMEONE believes in them.-- So if you are in a church, relationship, friendships or whatever- where no one can see the God in you and AFFIRM you into who you are- then RUN... And find the place where they will pour the Fathers Love on you. God is all into the affirming business. Whoever started that stuff where they don't need anyone to affirm them was a LIE. A bitter, cold, wounded LIE. We all do. And when don't have it - we do arrive at our destination, but it takes longer, and the battle is stronger. You then have a choice. You can either perpetuate the cycle- or break it. The church has it wrong.  Validation/affirmation is not meant to puff people up.  That's why people give the excuse of why they don't give it.  Because it makes people prideful.  That's a hock of manure.  Pride makes people prideful.  Affirmation/validation gives glory to God- while opening the person's eyes to see themselves the way GOD see's them.  So that every step they take, their footing is precise, direct and SURE... Give someone their affirmation/validation that you OWE them today.**
It's okay to be me. I'm tough- I won't allow people around me to settle for being less than Christ-like. I don't judge, but I don't allow people to settle for less than God's best. Some, MANY have gotten mad because of that. Everyone isn't ready for the truth - everyone can't face the music- and everyone isn't ready to be honest with themselves. Sometimes I'M NOT either! LOL--
It's okay to be me... I'm tough, yet sensitive. Sometimes, people don't know how much I care because I feel if I show them, then it will be harder to handle if I lose them. It's not as hard for me to forget about those relationships that ended badly as it may be for some. I can move on- I can forgive, but that doesn't mean I don't think about the person. It's okay.... That's how God made me.
It's okay to be me. I used to be laughed at for my zeal, picked at because I was sensitive, and overlooked because I didn't look the part. I've been ridiculed for trying so hard, doubted for my faith - and rejected because of my purity. I've been used, abandoned, forgotten about- discounted, pushed back, stepped on top of, and everything else.
I've been lied on, lied to, stories twisted, and dismissed without a thought. I've been guilty of much of the same too - this is not a poor pitiful me story - by any means.
My glasses can be cloudy sometimes, my discernment questionable every now and then... Does that make me less? No, that just makes me human. Perfectly flawed and loved by God. I don't have to be apart of manipulation to gain authority... I don't have to succumb to those that will only approve me if I do what they want. I don't have to be held to who I used to be. I don't and I won't.
It's okay to be ME. And you know, its okay for me to be loved, in word, in deed... By family, by friends... its okay to be alright with life- and pursue God and make the plans and follow them  through. I am one of those people who am learning to be affirmed by my Father. My earthly father NEVER did. I don't know if he knows how to. But I know that God will give me the desire's of my heart. I desire a father. Whether it be earthly or spiritual, my Father in heaven will grant my request. It may be my future husbands dad, or I may be apart of a ministry where I am Fathered, but I know that God is going to give me the Father that I need. No more cold distant non-affirming dads for me.  That doesn't build my confidence.  That doesn't help me grow...Until then- I love me, I keep smiling being me, and I walk - HEALED... because I am.
I refused about a month ago to be held to standards from people who don't see me for who I am. I refused to accept any form of abuse in the name of the Lord, or in the name of your insecurities. I'm not doing it. I don't thrive in dysfunction. I don't entertain it, I don't go around it- I don't live in it. I just don't.
It's okay to be ME.  I have million dollar ideas, and absolutely NO CLUE how to get them done.  I'm creative,  I'm a songwriter, a singer, an author, a blogger, love creating using technology--- I'm LOADED with talent.  And that's okay.  I used to post silly song video's on fb a lot.  I stopped because I felt judged by people.  Probably by people who can't do what I did.  I can't help that I can write a song using a ketchup bottle and a jar of pickles... That's a gift- for what you say?  Because I can write songs for plays.  No one has time for you to think for years of a song.  It's gotta come quick.  So if I have a silly song and I want to record it - and put it out there, if you're gonna be judgmental, just don't watch it- save me from deleting your comment. :)
Today, I love others regardless.  If I am forgotten about those that I've grown to love- then it's okay.  We hear a lot about making history... But even villains make history.  Just because people remember you, doesn't mean that heaven remembers you...My history in heaven may be greater than my history on earth-- and that's okay with me...  Today - I make a declaration.
It's OKay to be ME.
Pray with me...
Father, help me to see me as you see me.  I want to be okay with being me.  I want to change what you want to change, but how YOU want to change it - not by striving to live by a stringent set of rules, but by immersing myself in the love of God.  Show me where I have gone wrong with me.  Show me where my relationships need to be mended.  Give me strength to be who I am supposed to be regardless of who affirms me.  Put me in a culture of people who gladly validate me so that my footing can be more sure.  I'm free to love, I'm free to laugh, I'm free to celebrate who you made me.  Thank you for loving me the way that you do.  I don't always see your love, accept your love, or even GIVE your love the way that I should.  Thank you for grace.  Help me to grow in your love so that I am a well of God's goodness for others to draw from.  Thank you for being such a great Dad.
In Jesus Name...
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